Thursday, February 17th, 2011

I know the surgery is going to make me a better, more confident person. Right now, with the drooping shoulder, my rib cage sticking farther out than the other one, and even the thought of the surgery, is making me self-conscious. I'm a fifteen year old male with scoliosis.

The reason I'm making this blog is to share my story with the world. I need to get my emotions out, and this is the best way I could do it. I don't tell friends or family how I feel. For some reason I can't talk to them about this. I guess I find it easier to talk to strangers than people I know.

Everything started when I was walking in school with one of my frineds. We walked pass the nurses office, when all of a sudden, the nurse called me into her office. She told me how she noticed that my left shoulder was lower than my right. Up until then, I thought I was the only one that had noticed. Even since seventh grade (I'm in ninth now) I had noticed my left shoulder hanging lower than the other. I always hated it, I thought I looked stupid. Before someone would take a picture of me, I always made sure I was standing straight. And it felt like I was. But whenever I saw that picture, to my surprise, my left shoulder was still lower.

Now, back at the nurses office, she said I probably had scoliosis. I remember I'd heard that word somewhere, I just couldn't remember where. So when I went home that day, I told my mom, and she said she had it. I remember her talking about it a while back. But with her, you can hardly notice one shoulder is lower than the other.

So, a few weeks later, I'm at my doctor's, and he said he's almost posititve it's scoliosis. So, that same day, I go to the Meadville Medical Center to get x-rays. After the x-rays, they gave us and evelope. Inside it was a disc (with the pictures of my spine on it, which I will post later), and a paper with the degree of my spine curvater on it. In the parking lot, we open the envelope and read the summary (I'll post that later, I can't remember what it said). I remember the curves were really big, like in the 50-60 range.

I knew I was going to have to get surgery. Everyone said to be positibe, but I knew. We were also told to go to Alden Street Therapy, another hospital in Meadville, to get an expert opinion on whether I need surgery or not. The appointment was on January 11th, 2011 (I remember being really excited, because Britney Spears' new song was released that day. More on that later). So, eventually that day came. Of course I was nervous, because I was expecting the worst (I always expect the worst). But, it wasn't until the doctor confirmed that I had to get the surgery that I actually really thought about it. This guy knew what he was talking about. I had to get surgery.

The shock didn't hit me then, and it still hasn't. But the closer it gets to summer (that's when I'm getting the surgery), the more scared I get. Never in my life did I ever think that I would have to get surgery. Especially not as serious as spinal surgery.

I'm sad. This is taking every bit of self confidence out of me. I don't know how to tell anyone how I feel. I'm shutting myself out from the world. I hardly do anything with my friends. I just sit at home and listen to music, something that makes me happy. I feel so alone. No one knows what I'm going through. I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I don't want people feeling bad for me. I just suffer in silence...